Being Different

The boys started school this week.  Karis will start next week, but we had one morning for orientation, and one day for a parent teacher conference.  For the first time, at the conference, I felt the weight of Karis’ individualized education plan (IEP) and what it might mean in grade school.  I was on the verge of tears without realizing it as I talked about her in kindergarten.

These past four years, I haven’t really thought about Karis’ developmental delays as a heavy weight on my shoulders.  She qualified for services, she got what she needed, and she had no medical reasons for why she was delayed.  All was well.  She got her formal IEP last year as she transitioned into pre-school, and again, I didn’t think much of it.  I suppose, in my mind, she would catch up soon, and she was making strides of closing the gap.

Now that she’s a year away from kindergarten, things have changed.  I look at Karis now, and I wonder how she’ll be ready for kindergarten next year.  The gap seems so big, and I wonder at what point she’ll bridge that gap.  I realize that the switch was thinking about “real” school.  I’m not worried that she won’t get support – I know the specialists at school will help her.  I’m worried about what it means for her academically and what it means for her peers.

Academically, I can’t imagine how Karis will be able to learn the academic side of things when she’s still learning how to speak in sentences.  Her pre-school teachers said they do not wish to hold her back; they think it’s her best interest to move with her peers.  How will Karis pick up enough to make it to the next grade year after year?

What concerns me more is how Karis will fare socially.  She’s such a happy girl that loves other kids.  I’m wondering if having an IEP will make cause her peers to see her as different and treat her differently.  Some of her friends from last year asked me, “Why does Karis act like a baby?”  I know her friends weren’t trying to be mean, but I wonder at what point Karis will pick up on it and affect her.  She’s so sweet, and I don’t want that sweet innocence to be taken away.

I know the Lord is in control, and I have found myself having to trust and lean on Him through this time.

High EQ

A friend of mine suggested the book, Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Kurchinka.  I checked it out at a local library and read through most of the book.  It was insightful, and I’d say the crux of the book is for us as parents to understand our temperament and personality type as well as our child’s in order to connect with our child and understand them.  We also can help raise our children’s EQ (emotional quotient) by teaching them how to 1) label their emotions, and 2) choose appropriate behaviors for our children.

I would say most of the things weren’t “new” to me per se, but it was helpful to read more detailed accounts of how we can connect with our kids.  The author emphasizes that our kids aren’t “out to get us” or do things that malicious, but rather they are acting out because of their emotions given certain circumstances that we aren’t picking up on.

It was a challenge for me to read the book because I realize that I’m what she would call a “persistent” person.  I like to get things done and I don’t like to stop in the middle; I also enjoy getting things done off my check list.  It also highlighted the fact that I don’t particularly have a high EQ nor the fact that I’m empathetic.  Because of this, it’s very challenging for me to connect with my kids especially when I’m in “getting things done” mode.  I get frustrated because the kids “get in my way” so to speak, and I can easily lash out at them in frustration.

After reading the book, I started to put more things into practice (I started when we were on vacation which was already a somewhat stressful time).  I tried to understand where my kids were coming from, labeling their emotions, firmly telling them an appropriate way to behave, trying to understand their thoughts, and empathizing.  I noticed it did take a lot of work and focus on my part (which the book does say it will take), but I could see less tantrums and “power struggles” between us.

I’m hoping to be able to keep things in practice despite the work.  This change in heart has really helped remind me the importance of connecting with my kids.  It’s also helped me see myself better as a parent and the areas where I need to grow.  I do want to nurture my children and help them grow.  I think this will also help my kids how to show love, kindness, and respect to others.

On Public Display

On two separate occasions, the last two days, I’ve been on public display:  one of my sweet children threw tantrums in public.  I’ve had time to think about things, and I confess, being on public display like that is a source of stress, anger, and frustration.  Surprisingly, most of it is not directed at my child, but rather the audience.

I had a child melting down in public because they couldn’t get their way.  There was kicking, crying, screaming, and flailing.  Like most parents, I wanted to get the child to calm down as quickly as possible.  Unfortunately, reasoning with my child under those circumstances wasn’t going to happen.  I spoke calmly and voiced their feelings of frustration, sadness, and hurt, but explained they weren’t going to get their way.  When that wasn’t helping, I extricated the child out of the public’s eye.  Before that I could happen, I heard the comment, “… screaming bloody murder”.  I know that comment was directed at my child.  It was a little infuriating for me.  In my mind, I was handling the situation as best as I could.  I wasn’t blaming the child; I know given their age, it was hard to deal with disappointment.  They weren’t trying to be obnoxious, they were mad and expressing it.  We were also trying to make an exit in order to make life more pleasant for others, but it’s hard to pick up a child when they’re flailing.  Sure enough, when we got to the parking lot, the tantrum was over and they were calm and rational again.

Did they understand how hard it is to calm down a young child with a tantrum?  Did they know we were trying to take care of the situation?  Did they even stop to think why the child was throwing a tantrum and how it’s perfectly natural given their age?  Did they understand that after a few minutes, they calmed down and were able to talk about it?  Did the person that made the comment know all the years we’ve worked hard at instilling kindness and respect in our children’s behavior in both public and private settings?  Given their comment, I’d say the initial answer is no.  They didn’t.  They just judged.  They saw a small unpleasant glimpse into our lives and decided to make a comment.

I understand it’s uncomfortable for everyone to deal with a meltdown of a child in public.  It’s hard for the parent, the child, and the public.  But, please remember the next time you see one, the parent is trying to their best in that situation.  They can’t control a child whose emotions have overtaken them.  They aren’t bad parents, and the child isn’t a bad child.  When the raw emotion fades, so will the meltdown, but it takes time to wait it out.  Be slow to speak and try to empathize with the parent and the child; the parent will certainly appreciate that kindness.

Soccer Intensity?

“I think I’ve failed Sean.”

Those were the words of my husband after Sean’s second week of practice.  I was speechless, and a little taken aback.  My husband clarified and said that he felt Sean was so behind for not playing soccer the past year, year round, and it shows in practice.  Sean’s seven years old, how could he be “behind”, I wondered?  Aren’t kids supposed to be having fun at this age?  Trying different things?

This “soccer” mom thing is quite new to me; I didn’t do any sports or extracurricular activities (minus piano) growing up for an extended length of time.  My husband, on the other hand, did sports (mostly soccer) and clarinet.  The idea of the time commitment isn’t new to him, per se, until now.

We’re lucky enough to be in a city where we have access to a soccer team that is apart of the US Soccer Development Academy, but it’s intense.  We got our first taste of the intensity the past two weeks.  Sean is part of a U8 team (under 8).  Practice is twice a week.  The coach is very committed to the sport and developing the boys.  He isn’t mean or a drill sergeant, by any means, but he’s intense.  I did not expect my son to be doing pushups because he missed the goal while practicing shots.  I did not expect the coach to send videos of the “shape” of the positions the kids are playing.  I did not expect my son to have a position at 7.  I didn’t expect the team to have “extra” (paid) practices to improve skills.  But, in all fairness, I can see why there is such an intensity; the boys will be trying out for a more competitive team at the end of this season.

Needless to say, my husband and I have been overwhelmed by the stress of this program; perhaps it’s the unspoken need to perform?  I can see why my husband feels like he failed Sean.  The boys he’s been playing with seem like they have been in this program year round for at least a year or two.  It is a disadvantage, I suppose.  Regardless of how we feel, we’re thankful that Sean doesn’t feel the same stress to perform or the need to compare himself to his teammates; he’s just having fun.  It’s a personal relief for me to see how he enjoys just playing.

We’ve had time to regroup over our initial shock of the intensity.  Do I think it’s bad?  No, I don’t think so.  The boys seem to really enjoy getting better.  Do I think it’s for us?  No, I don’t think it’s for us.  Sometime down the line, I do want our kids to commit to some extracurricular activity.  For me, I think it’s good for their character to practice, follow through, persevere, and commit to something other than school.  However, the age of seven is not the time where I feel like my kids should have to commit to one thing.  I still want to give Sean another year or two to try other sports.  I feel he’s still young enough to try and enjoy something without the added pressure of “try outs” or a “competitive” league.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not the type of parent that wants my kid to always succeed.  I think there are great things to be learned through failure.  However, I’m not sure I’m ready to expose my kids to the scrutiny of “not making it” in a try out right now.  It is a failure, even if they do get to play in a different league.  Maybe I give too much credit to the kids knowing that it’s a failure, but I don’t see the benefit of telling a seven year old he’s not good enough for something.

I have a feeling that in the town we’re in, our kids will have to commit to their sport by middle school if not sooner to play on the school team.  I’m conflicted about this because I don’t want to pigeon hole Sean right now into anything; he’s still a kid in my book.  The world is his oyster.  We’ll see how it all plays out.  I hope for the next few years, that whatever he does, he just has fun.  He doesn’t feel the pressure from outside forces to negatively influence his enjoyment of an activity.

It Gets Easier

Not too long ago, a day off of school was something I dreaded.  It meant one more child in the house which often translated to chaos.  Today, would have been that day (Sean had school off because of Veteran’s Day), but it wasn’t chaos at all (well not too much).

The boys played Catan Junior while Karis was at school.  After nap, while Karis was still sleeping, the boys played quietly with some markers at the table.  It was nice.

We have moved completely out of the baby phase into a new chapter, an easier chapter.  Now, I do believe every chapter of a child’s life brings it’s own challenges, so I’m not saying it’s foot-loose-and-fancy free here in the T house.  We still have challenges!  But, there is something to be said about the baby/toddler phase – it’s tough.

I call the baby/toddler phase the “survival mode” phase.  As long as we’ve had a baby or toddler in our house, we’ve been in that phase (technically, we’re still in that phase, but we’re almost done!).  I look back on the times when I’ve had a baby, and man, it was truly a “take it one day at a time” kind of time period.  Sleep deprivation, taking care of the needs of a baby/young toddler, baby-proofing, tantrums, etc. was so emotionally and physically consuming for me.  It’s a miracle that I managed to bring some sense of structure to our household at that time while being able to make meals and keep up with the laundry.

Fast forward to now.  I realized now that the kids are older, I’m able to add a few things on my plate without feeling overtired or overwhelmed.  I able to clean the bathrooms on Tuesday mornings (thank you Norwex for saving time) and sweep the floors every day.  These two things may seem small, but if you asked me to do that a few years ago, it would have completely burned me out.  Bathroom cleaning used to be a chore done before we had guests or things finally got too disgusting for my tastes.  Sweeping occurred when I finally got sick of things getting stuck to my feet or my socks.

How is the possible?  Well, it dawned on me that things actually get easier as the kids age.  Here are some small milestones that make a huge impact:

• Self-preservation.  At some point, my kids developed a sense of self-preservation.  They realized it’s not a good idea to run into the street without looking.  They realized the outlet cover was there for their protection, not because we were being mean.
• Focus.  As my kids have gotten older, they have been able to focus on an activity for an extended period of time.  This means that they aren’t dumping out a million toys all the time.
• Independence.  Self-feeding, buckling themselves in the carseat, dressing themselves, bathing themselves.  They all seem minute at the time, but they are huge milestones for the kids and the parents.  The more they can do themselves, the less time you have to help them doing things!
• More responsibility.  As my kids have gotten older, they have been given more responsibility – cleaning their rooms, cleaning the toilet, putting dishes in the dishwasher.  Less things I have to do!

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive!  The basic principle that I’ve noticed is this:  I can trust my kids with more things as they get older.  I still have to parent, but there is a foundation of things that I know they can consistently do, which is wonderful.  I certainly didn’t “trust” my babies/toddlers to act consistently, but I do with my older toddler and big kid boys.  Life has gotten easier, in a lot of ways, because of this.  I feel like we’ve exited the “survival mode”, and entered the “parenting mode”.  I’m fairing much better physically and emotionally (thus far) with this stage.

For all you parents out there with a baby or toddler, know that it does get easier in a lot of ways as your kids get older.  🙂

Taking Time to be Appreciative

Most mornings, I get thirty minutes in bed to myself before I face the day (thanks wonderful husband!).  I lay in bed, awake, but not ready to get up and start the day.  I’m not ready to face reality, not quite yet.

When I finally drag myself up, life begins and it doesn’t stop until I clock out at 7PM.  Getting kids ready for school, feeding kids, running errands, doing chores (why is it always an endless pile of laundry?), helping the younger kids, picking up kids from school, being the mediator between kids (oh how the siblings can antagonize each other!), the talking from a little extrovert that never ends, the list goes on.  It’s a busy day, to say the least.

Lately, between breaking up fights, answering never-ending questions from a toddler, and cleaning up numerous accidents during potty training, I have found myself looking forward to two years from now.  What happens in two years?  All of my kids will be in school for 6+ hours!  The glorious freedom!  I just need to make it two more years.

Enter the Lord.  I have found the Lord putting on my heart to love my children more the past few weeks and to enjoy this season of life; the season with young children at home.  He has reminded me that this season will pass, and if I continue to focus on “two years from now”, I’m unable to treasure the moments that I do have with my kids now.  Yes, it’s hard to care for two little ones in (sometimes thrown in with a bigger one), as I’ve stated above.  Yet, I’ve been reminded that the time I will have at home with all of them is slowly coming to a close.  Two years from now, half of the waking hours of my kids will be at school.  I won’t know their friends and their parents as well (at least initially) as I did with preschool.  Throw in the extracurricular activities, and some days the only time I get with them will be at meals and time right before bed.  It’s crazy to think that our lives will change so dramatically, but it’s just around the corner.

So, for now, I realize as hard as it is to get things done with a toddler and a little boy, it’s good to have them home with me.  It’s nice to be able to go out on walks after lunch, go out to the park after school, hear what the kids think about during the day, and just be with them.  They are needy now, but at some point, they aren’t going to be, and I know I’ll wish I could have that time back once it’s gone.  I know I’ll miss the snuggles in bed, the way the kids run to me when they have an owie, and reading to them.

The days seem so jam-packed with things and it seems like a blur, but the years seem to fly by even faster!

Things You Don’t Know Until You Have Kids

You know how there are certain comics you read, where you laugh because it’s painfully funny, as in it’s true in your own life?  I think of comics like Dilbert for people that work, PhD Comics for grad students, and Baby Blues for parents.  I recently read a blog with the same sentiment, 10 Things You Don’t Really Know Until You have Kids.  As I finished the article, it fueled my already negative feelings of how much work it is to have children.

You see, we’re on vacation with my parents right now.  Vacation with young children isn’t a vacation.  We still have to watch them.  Granted, we have a lot more help, but our children still need to be attended to once in awhile.  My husband and I both have had an negative attitude where we want to fulfill our selfish desires – doing whatever we want whenever we want.  Taking care of our kids gets in the way of that, and early on our in vacation, that’s how I felt.  But after reading the blog post, and taking some time to pray, I realized my own selfishness and poor attitude towards my kids.  Our kids are a blessing, and they don’t get in the way of things; I need to see the blessing it is to have kids at this age at Christmas vacation.

Because of this, I wanted to come up with my own list of “Things You Don’t Really Know Until You Have Kids” (well, young kids 6 and under):

• Kids are honest.  Kids don’t have a filter, so they say what they want to say when they want to say it.  They also are blunt, but this also means when your kids say things to you, you know that they really mean it.  So, when kids will tell their mommy’s that they’re beautiful and their daddy’s they are handsome, they mean it.  It doesn’t matter others think about how their parents look, they just see beauty.  Also, at some point, all boys say they want to marry their moms, and little girls will want to marry their daddies one day.  It’s one of the sweetest and sincere flattery to hear.  Kids will also tell you that they love you out of the blue; it’s one of the best things to hear as a parent.

  Kids also give compliments and share gratitude:  “You’re the best mommy ever!”, “This is the best meal ever”, “You’re really fast dad!”, “Thanks mom for letting me have cookies”, etc.  They aren’t telling you these things because they want something in return (at least at the younger ages), but because they mean it.

• Kids forgive easily and get over disappointment quickly.  You do something to hurt their feelings or don’t give them what they want.  The stomp off declaring, “I hate you and I never want to be with you again”.   Give them a few minutes to calm down, or they get distracted by something else, and they’re over the issue.  Sure, it might take some time for them to calm down, but once they’re over it, they’re over it.  It’s not a big deal, and they “don’t keep records of wrong”.  So many times as an adult, I wish I could be like my children and just let disappointments roll off my back and have no lingering affects.  I also wish I could have the humbleness to forgive and reconcile a relationship quickly, just like my kids do.  They may say they hate me one minute, but the next, they’re back in my lap for snuggles.

  Kids get over disappointments very quickly.  They may throw a tantrum not getting what they want, or they may express sadness, but give them some time (usually a day), and they’re over it.  Competition in our house is starting to grow between the boys as they play games.  Last night, Jonas lost the game we played.  There were tears.  A few minutes later, he was fine.

• Kids are very imaginative and creative.  It’s amazing how children don’t need very much to keep occupied, no really.  Many parents will attest that on a child’s first birthday, they are more excited about the boxes and wrapping paper than the actual gifts themselves.  Fast forward to their second birthday (or even third), and you’ll find that when they open one present, they play with that present and forget about all others.
  As they get older, you don’t always have to give them a lot of toys, or the fanciest toys.  You give them some markers/crayons/pens/pencils and paper, and they’ll sit quietly and draw and color.  You let them have some scissors, paper, and glue, and they create collages, cutouts, and whatever comes to their mind.  When they’re outside, they can run around playing all sorts of different games or running all over the playground.  Kids have their favorite toys – whether it’s books, cars, dolls, blocks, etc.  They never seem to tire of them and they will find ways to imagine and play with these toys.
• Kids are emotional.  Kids don’t have filters, so they are honest (as I stated above).  This also means they wear their emotions on their sleeves.  One of my favorite things to see is my kids excitement and joy.  They can’t hide their “happy” emotions, and I love seeing them expressed.  When my husband comes home, my kids are making a mad dash at the door and jumping on him before his shoes are off.  Their eyes are all shining and filled with love and excitement that their daddy is home.  As an adult, I wish I had the same pure joy, and I also wish that time would stand still and that they wouldn’t grow up and lose their pure sense of joy.
• Kids are trusting and loving.  You never have to ask a kid to be vulnerable; they just are at a young age.  They trust quickly, and they will fall in love with someone else quickly.  They automatically assume if you’re talking to them, that you’re their friend.  They are quick to give hugs and hold a conversation with others.  Even the kids that are “shy”, once they open up to you, they exhibit their trusting and loving nature.  After church, my kids usually make a beeline to their friends – both kids and adults a like.  Karis the other day, was screaming to talk to “Uncle Mike” on the phone when she realized who I was talking to.  They love with so much passion.
• Kids are kind and generous.  With toddlers, especially, everything is self-focused and “mine”.  But as they get older, they show kindness and generosity.  It may not be all the time, but they do show it.  The moments that amaze me are those in which the kids are being kind to others without me telling them to be.  The past days, I’ve heard my kids these things unprompted:  “You’re right, Jonas, I cheated.  You can have a free kick”, “Mei mei, you can play with this one [one of the boys toys]”, “Thank you for giving me dessert mom”, “Can I help put the dishes away?”.
• Kids are resilient.  I’m so thankful that kids are resilient.  I remember Sean rolling off the couch onto the wood floor when he was less than two months old, and he was fine.  Karis has catapulted out of her exersaucer onto the wood floor, and she was fine.  Through all the sicknesses and ailments, kids bounce back.  In addition, I’ve realized it would take a lot of very deliberate bad choices made by me to “mess up” my kids.  I’m thankful that an occasional blown fuse from me here or there, will not psychologically ruin my kids for life.  I’m also thankful that my kids forgive quickly, and get over things quickly (alluded to above).  🙂

That’s all I have for now.  I’d love to hear what you would add to my list.  🙂

Daydreaming and Refocus

It’s been beautiful here lately – sunny and not too hot.  Most days, while I’m having my alone time, I see an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand outside of our house.  When I look at them, I think to myself, “I can’t wait until our kids are all grown up and we have time to go out on walks or do whatever we want whenever we want.”  I get envious and wish I could fast forward time.  It seems so nice to think about retirement age compared to the busyness of our current lives.  I think that’s why I’m so envious because our lives are constantly going 7AM to 7PM with a break between 1-3PM, and then some more time between 7-10PM before we start all over again.  I don’t linger too long in my daydreams, though.  Life pulls me back in, and I’m back.

Lately, I realize my husband and I have been pretty negative about our lives – depressed, complaining, or pessimistic.  I’ve been trying to be intentional about not being so negative, by spending time in the Bible, praying, and like Paul says in Phillippians, focusing on things that are lovely, true, pure, and honorable.  With this new attitude, I’ve been led to pray for my children more, more than their whole lives, I daresay.  I’ve been giving thanks to the Lord with their health, how they’re developing, their behavior, and their personality.  I’ve been praying for them to know God and for my husband and I to be a bold testimony to the Gospel in words and in deeds.  As I’ve prayed more, I couldn’t help but be filled with this sense of overflowing joy for my children.

The past weeks, God has really opened my eyes to see the blessing of this season, albeit a busy season, but a good season of having three young children.  When I think of Sean, I’m so thankful for his generous and kind heart and how he treats others.  I love how he befriends everyone and isn’t at an age where he will exclude anyone from being his friend.  I love how he’s not ashamed to display public affection with me.  I love how he is so excited to share his creations with me.  I love that when we praise him, his eyes light up and he is so proud of himself.  I love that he is an open book right now, and that we can talk about anything and everything.  I love that Sean has a trusting heart, and that he can’t imagine how someone would want to hurt others on purpose (i.e. “bad guys”).

With Jonas, I love his big smile.  I love how he’ll still run into my arms with a big grin.  I love that when he’s hurt, that my arms and snuggles are enough to make him feel better.  I love that he still snuggles with me and buries his head on my shoulder when he wakes up from his naps.  I love that he’s so silly and runs around wildly.  I love that he’s bashful and looks for me for comfort still in new situations.  I love how Jonas loves going on walks and searching for puddles.  I love how seeing an ambulance, fire truck, or train can make Jonas’ day.  I love how Jonas absolutely adores Sean and wants to be like him.   I love how Jonas’ attacks and kicks the ball in soccer with such tenacity.

With Karis, I love how in the mornings, she’ll say “mama” as soon as she hears me open the door to leave the room.  I love how she grins and plays silly games.  I love how she says “pup” to be picked up.  I love how she holds my hand most of the time when we walk.  I love how she grabs my finger to pull me to something she wants me to do with her.  I love how she screams when she squeals and is happy.  I love that she makes a fake snoring noise when she talks about “night night”.

I’m glad that God has changed my heart.  I do look forward to the day when we have an empty nest, but I’m even more thankful for the blessings of our children now.  I know that all too soon, this season will pass, and I’ll look back and wonder where all the time has all gone.  They change so much when they’re so little, and they’re so naive and innocent.  I’m thankful that I can watch them grow and can take pleasure in being their mom.

Growing Up and Innocence Lost

Yesterday, on the ride home from school, Sean said to me, “Did you know that today someone flew a plane into a building on purpose?”  I was caught off guard.  I told him I did, and he wanted to see it on the news.  I told him it happened awhile ago, and it wasn’t on the news.  I asked who told him about it, and he said his teacher.

I must admit, my first reaction was “Why is your teacher tell you about this? You’re in first grade.”  I wasn’t ready to talk to my child about how a group of terrorist deliberately set out to hurt and kill people.  I could tell by the way Sean was talking how he couldn’t understand how someone would do something like that on purpose.  I explained it to the best I could describing what happened, and how many people did get hurt.  Sean responded and said, “There were firemen and policemen that helped, right?”  I told him that they did go help and did the best they could to help everyone.

I don’t think it was wrong for the teacher to tell the children about 9/11.  That’s not the issue.  I guess I’ve been caught off guard about having to talk to Sean about serious issues.  Even at school, we’ve been getting letters about how there have been at least four incidents in town where students have been approached by different men who have asked them to get in their car or go with them.  I’ve had to talk to Sean this week about strangers and not going anywhere with them and what to do if something like that were to happen to him.  Sean’s response, “Why is it bad to go with them?”  I had to explain that some people aren’t nice and will take you from your family.

Up until now, for our children, “bad choices” involved someone hitting or saying a bad word, and usually among friends or family.  Now, I’ve had to explain “bad choices” as people wanting to deliberately hurt someone else in a bad way.  I feel like there is an innocence being taken away from Sean, and I’m not quite comfortable with that, at least not for a first grader.  Sean is such a sweet, friendly, trusting, and generous little boy, and I would love to see this continue as long as possible.  My fear is that as he’s exposed to the “real world”, it’ll chip away at these characteristics and that they’ll be replaced with sarcasm and cynicism.  As a mom, my first instinct is to preserve the bubble that he’s in – people that he interacts with are safe, friendly, and love and care for him.  I realize I can’t do that his entire life, but for now, I’d like the idea that he’d think that life is good and like rainbows.  On the other hand, I know that it’s good for him to start seeing the “real” side of life – that there are bad things that happen.  It’s a great opportunity for us (my husband and I) to talk to Sean about it – to see how he feels about it and to answer his questions.  I know it’s also a great opportunity for us to talk about the Gospel and how we need a savior because of all of our bad choices and bad things that we do.

Despite my fears, I believe that as Sean’s parents, we still have a lot of influence in his life.  As he faces the real world and the not so lovely things about it, we will be there with him, listening to him and talking to him about things.  I hope that he will be able to face these situations with courage and knowledge that we will always be there to love and support him, even if life is hard.

Public Praise

I don’t know if you’ve heard the stereotype of Asian children and their parents, but maybe you have in some degree due to the popularity of the Tiger Mom.  If you haven’t, I’ll give you an anecdote:

A child brings home his test for his parents to see; he received an A.  He shows it to his parents, hoping that to get their approval.  His parents take a look at his test, and say, “What, did you not study hard enough?  Why didn’t you get an A+?”  The parents then proceed to look at the incorrect answers and question the child why they got each answer incorrect.

This is the stereotype of Asian children – the bookworms – and their parents – Tiger parents that push and push.  Despite it being the stereotype, there is some truth ingrained in our culture (if you didn’t know already, I am Asian).  Growing up, I did feel pressure to perform, and I yearned to please my parents with my good grades.  My parents, often pushed me to do better, and words of praise and encouragement were few and far between.  I have a theory of why Asian parents tend to push to strive to do better:  it is their way of showing love.  They show love by providing for their family.  They feel that a good education is key for their child to get a good job; thus, being able to provide for themselves, and maybe their parents in the future.  So they push their children to do well in school.

Being a product of Asian rearing, it is very difficult for me to receive praise from anyone.  When I am praised for something, instead of saying, “Thank you” (which my husband is training me to do, I often am embarrassed and try to explain away the compliment, i.e. “Oh, it’s not a big deal”, and/or praise the giver of the praise with something they do well, i.e. “But you’re great a cooking too!”.  My theory for my reaction is the lack of praise made me feel like I never really did anything well.  Constantly being driven made me question if I ever achieved anything worthwhile, so it’s hard to believe praise from others.  Fortunately, as I’ve become an adult, I do realize that my parents are in fact proud of me, though they haven’t expressed it very much.  I’ve also come to believe that I am good at things, whether people praise me for them or not.

So, what does this have to do with our children?  Well, I didn’t realize how my Asian upbringing has affected my parenting until the past few years.  I’m now on the other end of the parent-child relationship.  Since I wasn’t praised very much as a child, it is not natural for me to  praise my children (and as a side note, I can see why the Asian stereotype passes down from parent to child for generations).   I am aware that giving praise is unnatural, so I really have to be intentional in taking time to praise my children.  I don’t want to be the Tiger mom that pushes and tries to drive their children towards what they think is success.  I want to cultivate the gifts of my children and to praise them for the things they do, unabashedly; even if it’s not what I think is “successful”.

Lately, I’ve found myself speaking more negatively about my children to others, and I don’t want to be a mom that complains about her children.  Granted, I think there is a time and place to vent frustrations about my children and to seeking guidance of how to raise them, but what I’m referring was not done with that in mind.  So, I want to be intentional and spend some time publicly praising my children for what they have done lately.

Sean:  He has such a tender and loving heart, and I see it almost daily.  Sean really desires to please others and to make them happy.  When someone he cares about is happy, he is happy.  Sean has grown a lot in how he interacts with others, especially Jonas.  He spends time teaching Jonas things, and he is very patient when he is playing with him.  He desires to do things together, and sometimes he will forego his desire so that Jonas will play with him.  Sean is patient with Karis as well.  When she ruins something of his, oftentimes, he does not retaliate, but rather asks for help.  Sean is great at expressing himself, and it’s so helpful for me how he can tell me what’s on his mind.  Sean also has a lot of self-control, and we are able to trust him with more things.

Jonas:  Jonas is doing much better at using his words.  He is also doing much better at calming down after a tantrum.  Jonas also shows a lot of restraint with his sister, despite her destructive nature right now.  It’s amazing how little attention he needs to entertain himself.  Jonas is able to sit quietly and play with his cars all by himself for long stretches of time if there are no siblings around.

Jonas has recently started sleeping in his underwear at night.  He’s been keeping his Pull-Ups dry at night for quite some time, but it wasn’t until last week where we tried his underwear (by sheer accident).  He’s kept himself dry since then.  Jonas is pretty much self-sufficient in getting himself dressed, which is awesome!

Karis:  Karis is doing so well in her therapy sessions.  She’s been saying a lot more words in her sessions.  She is also showing that she can predict what’s going to happen next in her favorite stories – the Wheels on the Bus, Pat-a-Cake, etc.  She’s also getting better at following directions.  Karis is also getting better a going up and down stairs by herself.

Recently, Karis is able to play more independently meaning that she doesn’t need to be in the same room as one of us at all times.  It used to be that she would play fine in a room by herself, so long as one of us was with her.  Now, she does spend some time away from us, sometimes purposely going into a different room from us.

 

The kids are growing up so fast, and they’re doing so well.  I couldn’t be any more proud of my children than I am!